Getting in touch again

Getting away from the everyday life was a necessary thing for our sanity. So the wife and I took the hour drive east to the coast where the ocean has a way of cleansing one’s mind and helps establish some semblance of balance again. This year has been one of the worst we have endured since our marriage 30 years ago. The previous October my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and managed to live through the holidays, but left us early January. Our youngest daughter lost her car through an accident and then had to face some serious charges with the county. Things on the job produced their own evil and became a source of stress I had never experienced in my tenure with the city. Our middle daughter had gone back to school and was having difficulty adjusting to the added studies and testing. She also had to put down her English bulldog that had seen her through several difficult times for several years. Our oldest daughter had to have her gall bladder remove after a long series of battles with stomach troubles along with trying to recover from a fractured tail bone. To top it all off, I found myself in the ICU unit of our local hospital with a couple of sizable blood clots in my lungs.

In each one of those situations God proved to be faithful and had become the strength of our lives. I knew God loved me and had taught many to have faith in His love for them. I had trusted in His love many times and never had been disappointed. There were times here recently I felt unsure if God knew where I was and what was going on. I never verbalize this feeling or barely even acknowledged its presence in my thought life. Never the less there was that nagging sense that I might be on my own. Wave after wave of things happening and having to pressing through had sapped my strength and awakened fears I had long ago laid down. I realized I was no longer trusting in His grace; rather I had begun to battle in my own strength and was not doing very well at it. Frustration and fatigue had me anchored in a place spiritually I didn’t want to be. I needed to hear from God and spend quality time with my wife because I felt I was losing touch with both.

We check into the hotel we often had stayed for the last several years. A little time relaxing spending time with my wife was a good place to start. The room had a small kitchenette so we planned our meals and went to the grocery. We spent the evening together and began to enjoy one another again. I laid down for a good night’s rest and decided to spend time seeking God tomorrow.
I woke up early, well before sunrise. I was pleased because I like taking pictures of nature especially sunrises and sunsets. I quietly dressed, found my camera and stepped out the door. As I exited the building I could hear clearly the roar of waves as they rolled into the beach then inched their way back to the deep. It was a friendly sound much like I imagined the voice of God might impact my consciousness. I look towards the sky and notice there a single star left in the heavens. Much of the sky was still that rich purple it gets just before dawn. The pastel colors of the coming dawn were just beginning on the horizon. There hang the bright light of this morning star alone shining as though it were a gem on display. I thought of Jesus as the bright and morning star. It brought a smile to my face thinking I might be getting on the right track again. Then the voice of my Father spoke to my heart and said to me, “See how easy it is for you to see that star in the midst of darkness? See how your eye always goes to it because of its brightness? Every time you look you are able to easily find it. That’s how you are to me. I always know where you are because I can see your light in the midst of darkness. I can pick you out as easily as you are able to see this star before you. I have told you I would never leave you nor forsake you.” I wondered how I had become so foolish to think I had gotten lost in the crowd. Comfort and peace began to take their place in my heart once again. Then I had an impression to just watch what would happen next.
I walked down the beach shooting pictures of the horizon and the bird out looking for breakfast. After a short while the sun erupted through the clouds and drove out the rest of darkness. Again His voice, “Do you believe the star has just disappeared or gotten lost?” “No, the light of the sun has overtaken it” I responded. “So it is for you, when My light is manifest over you, you are protected and all darkness is driven out. Learn to rest in My grace, and experience my love not just the love for all people but the love for you by yourself.” That truth allowed the freedom I had given up to begin to flow back into my heart. I know My Heavenly Father has His eye on me. His grace indeed is sufficient.

Starting Again

Seems must of our lives are either bringing something to an end or starting all over again. I tried this on two other occasions and simply stopped both times for no good reason. Since I find it difficult in finding someone to talk to about what is important to me, this may be a good way to get some of this that is bottled up inside out and help me to become single minded again rather than wandering aimlessly. Sounds pitiful I know, but that's where I live.

I'm not sure I'm the type of person who will have anything to say that someone else might want to read but I'm trying this again. I have a need to give expression to what is inside that I may move from this dark place to the light where I can move freely and experience those things I have hidden from all these years. I have decided to try anyway.

Wish me well as I seek to grow up and take my place in the scheme of things.